uncle touch me

Uncle Touch-Me sits at home watching sports. He rewinds and rewatches an outfielder make a diving catch a dozen times, then turns off the TV and takes a nap.

When he wakes up it's 3pm. The mailman has come and gone, and Uncle Touch-Me feels sad momentarily that he wasn't there to say hi, to offer some lemonade. He's very proud of his homemade lemonade. Last weekend one of the neighbor kids set up a table to sell lemonade, 1 cup for 75 cents. Uncle Touch-Me set his up for 50 cents with slightly larger cups. He saw the kid point, send his brother inside. A few minutes later the brother came out with their father. The father came over, asked Uncle Touch-Me what the big idea was.

Uncle Touch-Me laughed. Like he was going to reveal the big idea! "Give me a break. This is business," he said. "Look at my cups. Look at my prices. Take a taste."

The man took a taste and was immediately impressed at the quality of UTM's lemonade. But he was dad here, and had to make a point of standing up for his son. "I'm just trying to teach him some basic business principles," he said. "We're not trying to dominate the neighborhood lemonade business or anything. I mean, the wife and I are losing money on the whole thing, it was just something fun for him to try. Look at him over there." Uncle Touch-Me looked. The father felt a little queasy about having this giant 45 year old balding mammoth of a man looking at his son, but he hid it and went on. "He's just a kid. Slathered with sunscreen, bored out of his little mind, sitting there and pretending. His only business so far has been his stuffed animals, and they've just been running up tabs that they'll never be able to pay off. So..." The father glanced over, surprised that UTM hadn't laughed at his joke. He sighed. "Can't you play something else?" he asked. "Or at least pick a different day to do this?"

Uncle Touch-Me poured himself a glass of lemonade. He chose a tree in the distance to look at and began his reply. "Competition is the root of all business, Mr. Neighbor sir," he said. "If you want to teach your son a thing or two about business, about becoming a man, then i think the best route would be to let me sell my lemonade, as I have been doing, at a better quality, larger quantity, cheaper price, and encourage your son to adapt. This is a lesson in not counting your eggs before they hatch. This is a lesson in the real world, in the real limitations that exist out there. When McDonald's started selling hamburgers, they didn't cry to their daddies when Burger King popped up out of nowhere. They went over and investigated, researched prices, tasted the burgers, and figured out ways to cut prices, improve their own flavors, and keep on keeping on. I am the burger king to your son's mcDonald's, Mr... " he waited for the neighbor to tell him his name, and after a few seconds of awkward silence passed, he went on. "Tell him that I will be happy to purchase his business when he is ready to claim bankruptcy."

The neighbor nodded, shrugged his shoulders, said "well, you make a good point," and started back to his own yard. About halfway across the street, he heard Uncle Touch-Me yell over to his son, "You're Going Down you little rascallious lemonade vender!! Uncle Touch-Me for life!!" When he turned around, he saw UTM pounding his chest like king kong. This was too much. The neighbor went over there and knocked UTM's table over, spilling his lemonade over everything.

"Hey!" said Uncle Touch-Me. The neighbor put his finger into Uncle Touch-Me's face, tried to find something to say, gave up and walked home. An hour later Uncle Touch-Me was set up again, same as before, except now with his little ragged pet dog leashed to the table. There was a sign in front that said "back in business after repairs." Another sign a little closer to the street said "Neighbor kid lemonade in cahoots with the mob! Protest! Revolt!" He shouted to the kid, "tell your dad that the insurance company paid for all of the damage he did and then some!! You tell him that!"

The neighbor kid packed up his stuff and went inside. Uncle Touch-Me had won.

He puts the TV on and Oprah's worried face appears behind a small black microphone. Uncle Touch-Me pulls out his notebook. By the end of the show he has several new diet options to try, a couple of books to read, and a new sad story to cry himself to sleep to tonight. He turns off the TV, heaves himself off the couch, and slips on some shoes so he can go to the drive-thru for chili cheese dogs. In his notebook full of Oprah suggestions are circles and X's. The circles go around any of the diets, books, etc that he actually tries. The X's go through the ideas that he revisits and decides not to follow after all. Everything else sits untouched. As of this afternoon, there are 3 circles, 29 X's, and several hundred untouched. He smiles to himself as the taste of chili cheese dogs in his imagination gives him a sneak preview.

"Today is going to be great," he decides.