Is coca-cola making america fat?

In an effort to make myself seem smart while simultaneously turning myself famous, I decided to perform a simple experiment using myself as the guinea pig. The question: Is coca-cola making america fat? The answer: YES.

Hi, my name is Clancy Robinson, and my goal with this blog is to show you, america, that something you hold close and dear to your hearts is actually damaging your health, costing orphans their soup, pissing asparagus green in the gutters of urban landscapes, and making everybody's lunch more delicious. My goal is also to be hated by extremist republicans and loved by everyone else, until eventually I'm hated by everyone except for a few radical armpit hair lesbians at Santa Cruz and Berkeley. This is my goal.

The first thing I did to find out what the health effects of coca-cola is on a human being is to confront congress with a megaphone shouting out various things like "why are you not revealing the secrets of coke experiment zero you jerks!! What are you hiding from?" Then I knocked on Clint Eastwood's front door and offered him a coke, which he declined, and then I went for my megaphone, which unfortunately I'd left in the car, so I put my foot in the door as he slammed it, which hurt immensely, and I said "why don't you want a sip of america's favorite cola?", to which he replied "because you're not wearing any clothes", which was a semi-valid point, keyword here "SEMI" repeat after me, "SEMI-valid", america, let's move on.

In preparation for my experiment, I cancelled my water and power, bought a stock of candles and lard, and put my exercise equipment into the rust-o-tron 3000. Then I hired a camera crew to film me doing everyday things like plunging my head into a 5-gallon bucket full of coke, doing coke-bongs, eating lard with my bear hands, and vomiting for hours. By the time the experiment was set to begin I was a sicky, yellow, smelly human being with a full crew of cameramen that never went anywhere without their trusty barf bags. We were practically family.

Day 1: 100 pounds.
The vomiting from the lard had caused me to lose an immense amount of body weight. But over time my body had grown accustomed to the lard, so I was quickly climbing back up. 2 days previously I was at 89 pounds, so I had gained 11 pounds just from lard and COCA-COLA.

Day2: 138 pounds.
I was almost back up to my average body weight. Harold from the camera crew posted a video of me singing "I will Survive" on youtube. So far, 17 views, but I'm sure this number will rise exponentially very soon. Is "bigger than Oprah" a valid value, science?

Day 3: 176 pounds.
I have been in and out of consciousness all day today. Earlier one of the camera crew asked me if I wanted an ambulance and I think I said no. I meant to say yes. I lost consciousness before I had a chance to correct myself. When I woke up a few minutes ago i noticed that the camera crew had left. There was a note that said "if you are not dead, please send payment here." They were a sweet bunch, practically family. Where is my TV?


Day 7: 97 pounds.
The doctors say I have finally stabilized. Apparently, a diet of pure lard and COCA-COLA is not
healthy, they say. I sent payment to the camera crew and they'll be releasing the videos soon, so look for it in your local indie theaters. I'll be there to introduce them in Santa Cruz and Berkeley, so ladies leave your boyfriends at home.

-Clancy