new theories fresh out of the farmer's alamac's bible

theory 1:

Mary Christ wasn't very attractive in high school, none of the boys would have anything to do with her, so the nickname "Virgin Mary" was stamped, stuck, and the saddest part is she found a husband, grew out of her acne scars, filled out properly, yet the nickname never went away. And when she squeezed out Jesus, the nickname didn't bug her any more, she found it sort of funny that she could go her whole life with this nickname, but she had no idea how sort of funny it could actually be. Because, you see, when she gave birth to Jesus, she was giving birth to the son of god. And the people who could write, which wasn't very many because she lived in a 3rd world country, they were way into this birth, and they wrote all about it, put it in a book called the bible, New York Times gave it raving reviews, and her nickname was immortalized. Even now, 2000 years later, people still call her the virgin mary. Fuck Jesus' return, imagine HER return when she's like, "oh hi, i'm Mary Christ", and these fuckers are like "oh holy Jesus, it's the Virgin Mary!" and then she's like, "God Christ damnit! We were all virgins once! I'll fuck you right now. Come on, let's go. i'll show you who the virgin is!!"

This is based on a true story from the future.

theory 2:

When Joseph Christ came to town and met Mary for the first time he was truly in love. Her shirt hung a bit low, you could see the glistening sweat on her cleavage, she had this really cute sweet smile, and she had a Pavement patch on her dress. So he asked the nearest guy about her, asked if she was the marrying type, who her parents were, what the story was basically. The guy said she was looking for a man to marry, her parents were poor but nice, she was a great cook, some other shit. Joseph asked if she was a virgin. The man laughed. Then he saw that this Joseph guy was serious, so he took a serious expression and said sarcastically, "yeah, she's a virgin, the virgin mary is what we call her. All of our unmarried women are virgins. In fact, i'm sure that is true for the entire flat piece of flatness that we call the world. Yes, the flat world is full of unmarried virgins."

Joseph didn't realized that the guy was being sarcastic, had no idea even that the world wasn't flat. Actually, most people thought it was flat, though it was weird that the stars and sun and moon all moved the same way every day, like they reached some point then hit reset. But regardless, Joseph took the guys words literally, and he went up to Mary and said he'd like to Mary her. But Mary thought the guy was square, smiled politely, told him she wasn't interested, went back to her work. Joseph took a room nearby and tried to think of some way to convince her to marry him. He started writing a book called The Bible.

Meanwhile, God Almighty in the sky was on an Earth -0001 tour, and when he came to Mary's town she put on her sluttiest outfit and screamed the whole show, then went backstage and fucked the shit out of him afterwards. She woke up 3 days later from all the drugs and fucking and realized she was pregnant. She didn't know what to tell her parents. So she wandered, and as she wandered she saw Joseph Christ behind an open door talking to himself as he wrote in his Bible. She thought it was actually kind of cute and endearing, and in her current situation it was exactly what she needed. So she went inside and accepted his previous offer, and let him call her virgin mary in his silly book, and they married, and when people found out that the son of god's stepdad wrote this book about it they went crazy and everybody bought like 1000 copies and the world tore itself a new one with happiness, and mary's sarcastic nickname became immortalized like Michael Jackson.